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By Judith Burdack
This article, which was published in the Tampa Tribune on 13 May 2001, is reproduced by her permission.
The days of honoring parents are upon us. Both parents are to be recognized for the individual and collective roles they play in the lives of their children. The tasks of parenting are many: We lead, guide, nurture and love our children into their adulthood.
For the past eight years I have been a part-time instructor of the court-required course "Parents, Children and Divorce" at Hillsborough Community College. The course acknowledges the right of parents to divorce each other. However, it reminds them that the ending of the marriage does not mean that they are divorcing their children. Too many times I have heard the stories of parental conflict and the acts of deliberate subterfuge that are rooted in the effort to get even or to have power and control over the other parent.
Although these actions may be born out of personal pain and unhappiness, the results are the same - the children are hurt and are frequently denied the opportunity to enjoy, learn from and love each parent's uniqueness.
Certainly physical and emotional abuse are unacceptable in any family, intact or divided by divorce. However, equally damaging are the effects of abandonment.
It is unthinkable when a parent chooses not to participate in a child's life. Parents whose contact with a child is inconsistent and sporadic bring confusion and hurt to the child's life, making the child feel unworthy. Even when the custodial parent does his or her best to fill in the gaps, the child is still left with a hole in his heart and questioning what he did to be cut out of the life of the absent parent.
I hear from and about mothers and fathers so caught up in their own personal anguish that their actions not only hurt, anger and frustrate the other parent, but also serve to leave a void in the lives of their children. These children experience confusion, fear, disappointment and even guilt.
The child must fiercely struggle to establish his own identity. The most painful and lasting wound is the emptiness in his heart that creates a lingering sense of sadness most difficult to overcome.
The child who does not experience connectedness with both parents has a difficult time connecting all the dots of his personal self. Mom and Dad must choose to put their personal agendas aside and be cooperative, participating parents regardless of their personal feelings. It takes a selfless person to do the job of parenting in a manner that does not inflict pain on another human being.
Many times I have wished that this class had been a requirement nearly 28 years ago, when we went through that sad and hurtful episode. My son and I celebrated and struggled through all of the daily chores of his growing up and, I might add, my "growing up."
Yes, he has confirmed that when we have the lifetime blessing of children, they are our most important task at hand.
A parent who chooses not to participate in a child's life forfeits the reward of connecting with that young life and, in later years, misses the joy of having the child as an adult friend.
On this Mother's Day, I am blessed and rewarded: Not only is my son my very dear and treasured friend, but he is a successful, decent human being, having weathered the void and surmounted the obstacles of a parent who chose to be absent.
The days of honoring parents are upon us. Both parents are to be recognized for the individual and collective roles they play in the lives of their children. The tasks of parenting are many: We lead, guide, nurture and love our children into their adulthood.
For the past eight years I have been a part-time instructor of the court-required course "Parents, Children and Divorce" at Hillsborough Community College. The course acknowledges the right of parents to divorce each other. However, it reminds them that the ending of the marriage does not mean that they are divorcing their children. Too many times I have heard the stories of parental conflict and the acts of deliberate subterfuge that are rooted in the effort to get even or to have power and control over the other parent.
Although these actions may be born out of personal pain and unhappiness, the results are the same - the children are hurt and are frequently denied the opportunity to enjoy, learn from and love each parent's uniqueness.
Certainly physical and emotional abuse are unacceptable in any family, intact or divided by divorce. However, equally damaging are the effects of abandonment.
It is unthinkable when a parent chooses not to participate in a child's life. Parents whose contact with a child is inconsistent and sporadic bring confusion and hurt to the child's life, making the child feel unworthy. Even when the custodial parent does his or her best to fill in the gaps, the child is still left with a hole in his heart and questioning what he did to be cut out of the life of the absent parent.
I hear from and about mothers and fathers so caught up in their own personal anguish that their actions not only hurt, anger and frustrate the other parent, but also serve to leave a void in the lives of their children. These children experience confusion, fear, disappointment and even guilt.
The child must fiercely struggle to establish his own identity. The most painful and lasting wound is the emptiness in his heart that creates a lingering sense of sadness most difficult to overcome.
The child who does not experience connectedness with both parents has a difficult time connecting all the dots of his personal self. Mom and Dad must choose to put their personal agendas aside and be cooperative, participating parents regardless of their personal feelings. It takes a selfless person to do the job of parenting in a manner that does not inflict pain on another human being.
Many times I have wished that this class had been a requirement nearly 28 years ago, when we went through that sad and hurtful episode. My son and I celebrated and struggled through all of the daily chores of his growing up and, I might add, my "growing up."
Yes, he has confirmed that when we have the lifetime blessing of children, they are our most important task at hand.
A parent who chooses not to participate in a child's life forfeits the reward of connecting with that young life and, in later years, misses the joy of having the child as an adult friend.
On this Mother's Day, I am blessed and rewarded: Not only is my son my very dear and treasured friend, but he is a successful, decent human being, having weathered the void and surmounted the obstacles of a parent who chose to be absent.
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